I just spent the long weekend with my friend Jorgen who visited from UW. One night I made him come to dental school with me so I could make custom trays. But mostly we got to explore Philly together like finally going to the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
Since Jorgen's life is the one I would have had, it was interesting to see how different our lives are now. J has a vegetable garden and goes hiking on weekends... life as a Ph.D student doesn't seem that bad. ;)
2015 feels good. It feels light and fizzy, just like the New York Egg Cream that Jorgen and I got to try together at Reading Terminal Market. The biggest thing is this: uncertainty doesn't bother me so much anymore.
My life after dental school is a puzzle. Residency? Work? Specialize? Where? Random things I deem important for my dental career pop into my mind. For example, I want to learn four-handed dentistry so I can worry about the dentist stuff. Not the grabbing instruments, not moving the suction out of the way (or trying to hold suction and mirror in one hand). I also want to better estimate difficulty of each case: from estimating how much time this restoration would take, to whether I should call in the big girls (specialists).
And there's finances. Some days I want to be rewarded (financially) for all the extra hours I put in. Other days I snobbily declare that I'm a selfless saint for putting in extra time and energy to clinic- since I don't get paid. I want to live in a bustling big city. Nope, I want to have a huge forest in my backyard and see all the stars at night.
I'm also at peace about relationships. The relationship I ended was such a learning experience. Because everything was great but we just weren't compatible at this specific point in time with our current values and beliefs. Time is a very important dimension.
I took this tooth selfie and I love my transparent incisors with a hint of mamelons. #toothobsessed
Everything's possible and everything is open! Knowing how I want to feel is much more important than the actual decisions themselves. And right now, I'm loving this in-between process. I feel open, expansive, full of possibilities.
Here's a moment from clinic this week. My faculty put his hands on my patients' forehead and declared "I've healed you!". And me, laughing with a mix of shock (blasphemy!!!) and disbelief. What's the point of doing anything if you're not having fun? He says that and I'm starting to believe it. At the end of each clinic day, my heart rate shoots up in a mix of frustration, gratitude, excitement, relief, and joy. It's the strangest emotion cocktail. But you know, I haven't ran away to Jersey just yet. I must be having fun.