Alex and I were chatting with Lo when I expressed my doubt about the new school year. PATHOLOGY is starting! (I am going to always refer to this class in caps. This 8-credit-monster deserves it).
PATHOLOGY begins the very first day we get back. My insides feel fluttery as I think about it. But Lo reminded me this: I figured it out! I have a system that’s worked for three full semesters at Penn dental and it will continue to work for me as I tackle this monster of a class. Like in Pharmacology, I was in North Carolina the weekend before our exam and when I got back, I studied like never before in my life. This H is extra sweet because I know I worked my butt off for that grade.
19.5 years of school and I’m still scared as shucks for that first day of school.
But… as I flipped through 2013 calendar I remembered tons of bad days I didn’t think I’d survive through. I mark those blue days on the calendar with a sad face. Dropping an acrylic provisional in lab, the anticipated lunch meeting turning into a disappointment, failing pop quizzes, and feeling like my eyes were going to give out the terrible night before a practical exam. (Then texting that one person I promised I wouldn’t talk to until 2511…) Living through those days felt like I was crawling through a muddy pit. Time went by slowly and I couldn’t breathe.
New year gives me a chance to evaluate the different parts of my life and give more value to ones that matter to me. Like my new year’s resolution, it continues being the same. Alex says we should incorporate it into our lifestyle: being bold.
Like my dental school crush. It’s not so much a crush as an admiration for the way he sees the world. We unexpectedly had coffee together shortly after school ended and I just had so much fun. I am timid in admitting how excited I am to maybe-possibly hang out. Now I want to delete this because I am going to publish this on the internet… but I’m not. I’m still going to keep it here.
On some level I still listen to that gremlin saying: “you are not worthy until….” But in the new year, I want to act despite those thoughts and feelings. I’ll continue to dig deep, while being forgiving of my imperfect self (this year I found an angel savior in Brene Brown). I’m simply doing the best I can at the moment. I’m running the mile I’m in.